The “Food Only” Twitter

Cool breakfast. Nice, you’re hungry. Oh, show me your lunch. Yeah, add pictures. Hang on, you don’t…talk about anything else? Really? This is a simple one that has caught a lot of flak, especially around the introduction of Twitter. “It’s used for taking pictures of your food and saying tired memes like ‘nom nom nom’!” Well, it is what it is. I don’t need to watch your diet, hang back.

The “Conversationalist”

This one shares a little overlap with our next category – basically, when two people respond to each other @theirname back and forth and back and forth, usually over 10 tweets in 5 minutes…You’ve got yourself someone who needs to adopt a messaging program. Stop doing this, people. Call your friend.  Text them. Message them. Do something ELSE.

The “Can’t Use Right”

Twitter is easy to figure out for some people. Etiquette, like RTing and mentions (@theirname) are fairly simple things. Sometimes these concepts evade new users – sometimes they are NEVER adopted, even after six months or more. Small things like putting a space between @ and their twitter name. Broken hashtags. Any manner of things that just don’t work, and their owner has made no attempt to fix. A real mess when mixed with The Conversationalist.

The “Too Big For 1 Tweet”

140 characters just isn’t enough for my story! I have to post multiple tweets to get my point across! Well, guess what – you’re using it wrong. Go get a blog at blogspot.com or livejournal.com and stop trying to give us these stories in a backwards chronology. It’s not that important.

The “Enigmatic Tweet”

It means nothing. Something simple, but impossible for anyone to glean ANY kind of insight or knowledge out of–basically litter on the side of the Twitter highway. Some people drag personal relationships into it – giving you gems such as “if you only knew” or “not putting up with this” – it’s not so much an enigma as it is someone wanting some kind of attention, but unsure how to ask for it.

The “Porn Star Creep”

I’ve seen a few people on Twitter that signed up to follow one (or ten) people – the only catch is those ten people are all porn stars. For some reason, they feel the need to talk to these people EXCLUSIVELY and not just talk to them, but be extremely creepy about it. Stop, people! Don’t you realize this makes you look REALLY creepy!? Back off a little bit and stop using Twitter as your conduit into the person that gets you off and fools you into thinking that they want your opinion. They probably don’t. If your Twitter feed is exclusively mentioning them and never anything else…You need to get out more often.

The “Blind RTer”

“Oh cool, I want more followers! I’ll RT anything that mentions anyone so they see me!” This leads to shit like RTing someone ELSE’S #followfriday hashtag. Why? The more times your name shows up in their Mentions, the more likely they are to follow you! Nah, most people see that for what it is and ignore you. Don’t RT someone else’s #followfriday. It just doesn’t make sense.

The “Sports Liveblogger”

I know you’re watching the big game, but we don’t need 20 tweets over 10 minutes time over “WOW” or “WHAT A SHOT” and on and on. It’s a pretty quick way to lose followers. You should consider a sports chatroom for these things.

The “RT to Win Obsessive”

Oh wow what a crazy contest! If you RT this and follow this user, you’ll be entered into a drawing for a free $10 item! That’s all well and good. But if you’re doing multiple RT to Wins every day, you really need a job so you can afford what you’re RTing to win. There’s a special place in hell for the companies who encourage this behavior. It’s the equivalent of being an e-panhandler.

The “Lyrics Whore”

Not to be confused with the Enigmatic Tweet, the Lyrics Whore will post lyrics with no explanation or credit to where the song is from. You’re left scratching your head over what they meant, when in reality it was just a line from a Lady Gaga song that you’ve never heard. Thanks for shitting up the roadway.

Hope you all enjoyed the post, don’t take it too seriously. It’s all in good fun.